DISAPPOINTED....really disappointed

sigh...today has been a bad day for me. on my way to sch, at the mrt station...i stepped on a rubber band on the floor and nearly fell...so stupid...i noe a rubber band reduces friction, blahblah, but wat the hell? who falls coza a rubber band? also i was cramping a little on the mrt making me worried whether it'll get worse. but thank god, it din, it disappeared. then i met the person who's selling the marketing bk to me at boon lay....whoosh, money gone.

then i went sch and suddenly during lesson my slipper broke. i noe i have a tendency to play with my slippers when i'm sitting during lecture and tuts....but this really sucked, how was i to go home? so during break, i went downstairs to popular to buy super glue, but the bloody thing stuck temporarirly only, it broke again on my walk back to the seminar rm. so i figured maybe i hadn't given it time to dry. so i just left it as it is. then thank goodness it had dried at the end of the lesson. fine, but it was still uncomfortable to walk in and i was so scared it'll break each time i took a step. never realised how many steps i walk each time to go to sch. i thought ok, fine i'll get a new pair. so i went down to popular again...haha...to try my luck, but they don't have. then i walked to the shop at quad. but they only had a very large slipper size. so finally, i went jp to buy a new pair, at least one gd thing happened. it was the fastest i'd ever bought a pair...haha...usually i take super looooooong to buy anything. i'm so fickle-minded. i'll keep asking my mom or sis, then think, then think again...is it cheap? is it comfortable? does it look ok on my foot? shd i get a bigger size? shd i get a different colour? etc...etc. frankly, i really hate thinking so much. dats when i wish i was rich. coz i've got rich tastes. but well its juz extragavant to buy such stuff. so i muz analyse and inner debates go on. if i was rich i think i wld juz buy wateva i liked and wateva colours i want and wateva. well, dats wat i think...haha, u never noe...maybe even if i was rich i wld do the same thing. anw, money gone again. and i felt so stupid after the whole thing, coz i cld have juz gone home...considering how much extra i walked...lol

anw, at jp and all the way home, i kept trippin and nearly falling. dunno wat was wrong. even with the new slippers. i remember it happened at least two more times. finally i came home. i called the guy, sth i put off for very long. i thought he wld really help me. but well disappointment, real disappointment. it really was too much. when they promise so much, then it all goes in a WHOOSH, in one instant...i was super pissed. it was so impt for me. he has the power but will juz not do it or even try. all my relatives are like that. they never offer help only take. or juz blow hot air for it to result in nth. my entire community is like that. that's why i really dun like them. or maybe its juz indians...haha...never help, only prevent other pple frm rising. my tamil tchr in pri sch used to say the story of the crabs. there were 3 baskets with crabs in them. one basket had chinese crabs, the middle one malay crabs and the last one indian crabs. when u open the first one, the crabs are helping each other to get out of the basket by forming a human (erm crab) ladder, so that the rest can climb out. same for the second one. but in the third basket...one crab tries to get out by holding the side of the basket, but another one pulls it down preventing it from escaping. haha....i din understand the significance of this story until i had my own share of experiences. frm this silly story, she imparted such wisdom, such truth.

so i'm back to being as screwed up as before. with my future so uncertain. my grades like crap and i moz prob won't be able to get a job. so i told my mom, be prepared. moz prob i'm gonna be jobless as expected juz like my sis was. at least they'll be more prepared. though, they certainly din expect it frm me, their 'golden daughter' in their view who never gave probs regarding her future except that once and now once again in future when i graduate. oh no...i've written an essay! sorry...well, i feel much better now, after venting all my frustrations. :)

Mood : initially super pissed, now less pissed

Time to Update

i have not updated this blog for like soooooo long. haha....i'm such a disgrace to blogging. wat can i do? i'm juz so lazy. so wat has happened in my life since my last update? lets see....my horrible exam results for yr 2 sem 1 came out and it was so bad, i was surprised i wasn't kicked out of ABP. Then we had another horrendous sem, although i felt less stressed as compared to previous sem. Maybe I am becoming numb to the horribleness. There were fewer tests this sem, but instead was replaced with weekly homework which was graded plus many projects towards the end. I can't decide which is worse. haha...lets weigh the pros and cons:

Tests :
Pro - forces you to study and catch up with what's been taught
Con - suuuper stressful when u have 4 tests in a wk, like was the case in yr 2 sem 1

Homework :
Pro - much less stressful
Con - though it makes u do tut every wk, it doesn't mean u learn. u can always do tuts by juz
flipping thru the notes or when u don't have the time to do u can juz copy from ur friends

Overall, my conclusion is erm....no conclusion. haha...coz i was a gd gal, i did not copy frm my frens, i only discussed with them the difficult questions. plus i always read the notes (but only relevant to the tut parts sometimes). the thing however is for both u don't remember everything u read clearly when u study for exams. but i think u remember better wat u studied for tests. thus, i can't believe i'm saying this but tests are better. but not to the craziness of 4 tests a wk. thats absurdity!

then results came out, it was better than previous sem. but when comparing with friends i'm still a large notch below them. sigh...where's my motivation. i have got to buck up. i can't keep doing this. There seems to be ZERO demand for bioengineers in the market. so the only way, i can survive is to get gd grades so that i have a better chance at a job. But so far, i have failed to do so. I only have 3 more sems of exams, I think the hope might be lost, but i'm juz gonna hope for the best. its time to buck up! i must get back to my A level momentum. My future rice bowl shall be my motivation. i must work hard! This is my mid-year resolution and I sincerely hope it sticks.

Mood : slackers galore
Doing : past few days i'm stuck to watching greys' anatomy and heroes on youtube

First night alone

Well, my mom and sis are now in india, which leaves me and my dad here in s'pore. BUT...the thing is most of the time i'm alone at home coz my dad is erm.....too bad there's no other nice way to put it....a workaholic. haha....i'm not faulting him for that. its juz his character and he's always been like that, so we are all used to it. But it does get a bit hard at times now, when there's no one to talk to at home, not that my dad is that much of a talker. i think that my mouth is juz used to talking all the time except during lessons and when studying. this is a good exercise of self-control. haha...

ok...i think i'm going nowhere with this post. lets see, what did i want to say? hmm...i remember i had a lot of things to type yesterday but stopped after that long post and today i dun really feel like writing anything. makes u realise how much a person's mood changes in 24 hours or maybe my creative juices are juz not flowing today.

i've often been alone at home for most of the day and i'm fine with that. yest was the first time i was at home alone at night. u see my dad does shift work, so he had night shift. and so basically noone else was at home. i thought i'll be scared or sth...but frankly i din feel anything at all. i think this past wk of being alone moz of the time has really trained me. haha...and truthfully i'm quite pleased with myself. coz i find myself a terrible scaredy-cat. maybe there's yet hope for me to becoming a mentally strong person. This is one characteristic my mom possesses that i've always respected her greatly for. sth i often wish i had. now i think its more of a acquired character rather than sth one is born with. ok...signing off now.

Mood : pleased

Complaining time

I've realised that my frequency of updating this blog is very low. During term time, there's always no time and now during holidays i feel too lazy...:p

But often after typing an entry I feel good, unburdened. Now, I understand why they always tell people to keep a diary. I remember the saying by someone, "Keep a diary and it will keep you." Nicely put, dun u think?

Anyway, exams were juz horrible. During exam time, my only motivation was the end of the exams. This is NOT a good thing. sigh....I keep regretting everyday for taking this course. But then I think, but every course will be just as bad. Then I look at my friends studying overseas, who dun seem even half as stressed as me, despite the fact that they're studying medicine and it makes me wonder...whether sth is wrong with me or with the S'pore education syst. Now, I think i can safely conclude that's its the education syst. I mean many of my coursemates also seemed stressed.

I juz dun understand why they have to make us struggle so much. Since young, we only study. It really kills the interest you have in a particular subject. I think they just expect too much from us. C'mon we're humans not machines! And uni really tops it all off. I think its the worst so far. Most of the proffessors juz sux at teaching. I'd always had the opinion that smart people cant teach and well i've been proven right. I understand yes, uni is self-study, I'm not expecting spoon feeding. But at least during lects try to impart some understanding of the subj to us. Moz of the time, i dun understand wat the hell the guy is talking abt. Then when reading notes before exam, if i dun understand sth, juz skip coz there's no time to pause and understand.

Grrr.....i can only complain, but well everyone noes dat nth's gonna be done bout it. so......wateva. ok...i think this post is long enough, shall stop now. Actually i'm kinda amused. i came with the intention of writing sth else with juz a passing remark bout the exams. haha....well, guess my hands got carried away.

Mood : currently amused

hmm...sth to think abt

You've Experienced 20% of Life

You have the life experience of a young teenager - which means there's a lot of life in front of you. And if you are past your teen years, you probably have some catching up to do!

How Much Life Experience Do You Have?

Basically, this shows that i've experienced very little of life in american stds...furthermore, for some of the qns, all the options they gave din fit me at all! haha...so i think the actual fig shd b 10%. Anw, it did get me thinking...but no matter wat, i wld still choose to live this sheltered, protected life as long as i can, rather than be indpt...but well, everyone noes dats not possible. As the saying goes, "Cross the hurdle when it comes!" haha...i certainly noe that this isnt the best outlook on life, but everyone who got married etc...tell me the same thing, enjoy this phase of ur life as much as u can...coz its the best of ur entire life! Not that their marriages have probs or anything like that, they say being a woman, ultimately after marriage, majority of ur energy is used in looking after ur family in addition to all the responsibilities it entails. As my mom says i have 3 children not 2 (including my dad). So enjoying life is precisely wat i'm doing now and the moment of panic i felt when i first got the results, is long gone. :)

RECESS IS HERE!!!

You Have Your Sarcastic Moments

While you're not sarcastic at all times, you definitely have a cynical edge. In your opinion, not all people are annoying. Some are dead! And although you do have your genuine moments, you can't help getting your zingers in. Some people might be a little hurt by your sarcasm, but it's more likely they think you're hilarious.

How Sarcastic Are You?

I don't think its very accurate...but anw, part of it i feel is true...i think everyone gets the same result, no matter wat u click...dunno, coz my fren who i got it frm got the exact same thing....

Juz amusing myself...coz its RECESS!!!!!!!! haha....but i've got to get down to work...need to catch up on studies...i always tell myself that but never accomplish anything...as my dad says "Subaa, u never learn!"...hmm...it doesnt sound half as bad when translated in english...Well, for those who understand tamil, its "Subaa, unakku putthiye varathu! Evallavu thadava adipattalum putthiye varathu...Ellam valikuthu, padikka valikuthu...(and he carries on along these lines for a while)" how i wish all that he says is untrue...but the fact is that its 100% correct...sigh...why is that i have no motivation now? i think the ans to that qn is sth ber said, "I feel there's no meaning in life." truetrue...exactly my sentiments....

SPCA Jigsaw Challenge

Sometimes life is so coincidental. In an earlier post, I'd mentioned abt a stray dog in my block's lift...and it did affect me a bit then. So, I think its good to mention that last week I saw kids from my block walking a dog which looked remarkably similar to the one I'd seen in the lift...is it the same dog or a different one? But I do noe that these kids didn't have a dog earlier...hmm...dunno...i'm sorta hoping that it is the same dog....haha...sigh...i think i live too often in a fantasy world where all's right and everything happens the way we want it to.

Nvm abt dat. Continuing my tale...a few days later my long lost pri sch fren emailed me saying that she's organising a community service project for SPCA as part of President's Challenge and that she really needed volunteers. Was it a sign? Oh well, I dunno...but anyway since I'm free most of the time this hols I decided to sign up. So today I went to NTU to do logistics stuff...packing goodie bags (lots of them!), moving things etc....and I'm super tired now...result of lack of exercise. haha...

The actual event is this saturday, 5th Aug...where we have to sell vouchers for SPCA...but the prob is the vouchers are priced at $5...which is a lot, so i doubt pple will buy...i remember i had to sell vouchers priced at $2 last time in jc for cip and it was really hard....well, its not upto me coz i'm not organising, and its too late to change stuff anyway...considering they've spent like 2 mths to organise and come this far.

Here's a request to pple who happen to read this post. If u're free this sat and are willing to help raise funds for charity, do tell me asap coz they still need more volunteers...and i can ask my friend to put us in the same grp as well. I can send interested parties the relevant emails...regarding information abt the event. If u need CIP hours they'll give u...but apart frm that u dun get pts...u do get a cert frm SPCA...come and do it out of the goodness of ur heart :). If u r nt interested in raising funds, do come down this sat (11am - 9pm) to orchard, city hall (basically city) area where there'll be pple in white t-shirts selling these vouchers and do buy them to support us. Especially buy frm me...haha...or if u can't make it, sms me if u want to buy a voucher...and i'll buy it in your place and u can pay me later. Or if u're not willing to give $5, then tell me the amt that u r willing to give and i can join a few pple's contributions to buy a voucher.

Basically when u buy the voucher u r adopting 10 pieces of jigsaw puzzle and these will be uncovered at the main station (Heeren...u can see the huge jigsaw puzzle over there). When all the vouchers are sold, the whole jigsaw will be uncovered. Pls support us coz its for a good cause.

My mood : At peace with myself :) + tired